Story of the Day

It began as a joke…my opening line before I would announce some random useless incident that made people laugh or just something that was worth mentioning a couple of hours ago…not any more…

Somehow it stuck…through the first term here at XLRI…almost every evening it would be…’Hey, did I tell you the story of the day today??’ and then it would go on from there… Never thought I would miss it when gone… never thought others would…

The sinusoidal curve is now looking up…reaching that peak soon I assume from where it shall start falling again…but as long as the going is good, lets make the most of it…

It feels good today to write in a good mood…its been a long time since I wanted to write cos I was just happy and wanted to express myself….words and stories don’t really matter right now (not like they ever do with me anyway!) And so after a long time, I said those words to a friend again… Did I tell you the story of the day???

It feels different now though…its as if the “story of the day” is reserved for the good days only…been a rough ride recently…the ups were kinda missing and the downs were too many to deal with…the optmistic and idealistic in me could only take so much….but then..as always…the sine curve reached its point of minima (ok sorry too much math)…and things turned around…of course for the better…and somehow the feeling that you know everything will be alright now came about…its like the winter sunshine or the small drops of rain after a hot hot summer day in Delhi…the smell of wet earth was so comforting that you forgot about everything else and somehow knew it would all be better now..

That moment was about a week back…yes I woke up in the hospital with a lot of sedatives in me and a collar around my neck (I survived a major klutx incident of slipping and falling on my own stupid head)…but yeah…you suddenly realise something and know its going to be all better…I came back to college…the issues still at the back of my head wondering how to actually resolve them when one by one they started popping up themselves and the knots straightened out…

A time of realization…yes they care and of course they cared all along…friends are here…the times are getting better…and the bright winter sun is still shining…of course the black spot on the sun remains…you can only solve so many issues…but the bliss of solving the issues that trouble you the most is simply…well…blissful!!!

So, my optimistic ideal self is back…with a bang (quite literally) and again preaching what I recently practised….just when you feel things are at their worst possible stage, the small drops of rain will fall out of the blue and suddenly it won’t be as bad as it had been…

the last thread

It starts with that frustration building up inside to get the hell out of your dead end seemingly hopeless job to the greener pastures of an MBA. Oh what a mistake. Of all the things I could do if I could go back in time, the decision to try for an MBA would be the first…and maybe the rest will sort itself out after that. But that is not going to happen…I might as well face the reality and the bitterness that comes with every single passing moment of time. I thought I was better than the rest….intelligent….smart….and guaranteed to succeed at whatever I wanna do…i thought i was unique….i came here and met another 180 odd people just as unique….and thats just my batch….there are more…more unique and smart and talented and intelligent people who will succeed at whatever they do…or so they think….so I thought…

They say the pressure is bad but as long as you dont crack it will all be fine and you wil make it through…but noone can tell you that exact fucking moment of time when you will crack…when you will feel that last straw…when you will just get the hell up and say enough..stop it now…I GIVE UP… I just cannot take it anymore…its either this or I will whither away and die..no let me rephrase that…i will go insane and maybe drive other people around me insane to…drive them to the brink of insanity and jump off myself before I push them over the cliff…

The moment is now…it all happens now…you carry on for as long as you can cos there is always someone you dont want to disappoint…if it were just for yourself it would be so much simpler…but then when it doesnt matter to you anymore who gets disappointed and whose heart gets broken…that is when it happens….you call them up…tell them you are disappointing them..tell them you wanna quit…you cant take it anymore…no reasons..no explanations…not that weak yet…just want to give up….and then when you cant think of an answer to the obvious next question….why???when did you become so weak as to give up??? how badly do you want to break that bubble…that bubble that you are the best…strongest…smartest and all that jazz…and that there are hundreds just like you..no actually better than you cos they are still here and havent cracked yet…

But they still welcome you…still say its going to be alright and that you should come back and leave everything behind if you want to…and you do….god do you want to…but didnt really count on them accepting you….getting shunned would’ve been better…just maybe….maybe if they told you coming back was not an option you would’ve stayed….carried on or gone elsewhere…at least saved them the trouble of bearing with you and facing the embarrassment of being associated with a quitter…

Or maybe it was just that ….just what I needed… one click away and still could not book the ticket….the ticket away from here….ticket taking me home…

Not a quitter….not yet….maybe just a little still left before I say its over…

Or so I hope and carry on…

People are strange

What the fuck was going on in Mr Mojo Risin’s head when he wrote that song….

was he visualising the entire fucking world and all the so-called relationships that exist here in this world of pleasure and pain or was he just thinking about himself and his so-called relationships???????

Either way…all i think when i listen to him say people are strange when you’re a stranger..faces look ugly when you’re alone…is HELL NOOOOOOOO…no matter how open, how caring, how loving you try to be towards any person outside that tiny closed box called family..it will always and always come back and bite you in the “behind”….or maybe just hurt you so fucking bad when you dont expect it that you will just keep telling yourself that either its not for real or that you were a goddamn idiot to have believed it was real in the first place…

yes i’m depressed…of course its evident…and yes i’m drinking…not to “drown my sorrows” as the world believes it but just to get into that state wheri i think its just not real….

but i know it…and no matter how much alcohol i consume i’m always gonna know its for real…i’ve wasted 2 years of my life before this and here i go wasting it all over again….

Organizational behavior…psychoanalysis…fucking analyse my own screwed up head….

6 relationships…..at least 2 serious relationships and here i am falling for yet another guy and just out of another relationship….2 fucking hours out of a relationship…

high on the least amount of vodka that has ever got me here….high on the lack of expressing emotions…something i’ve never done before…mba man….i shud get used to not expressing my true emotions…

but what the hell…experience everything at least once…been twice for me already but what the hell…the ever-optimistic and “ever-cheerful” and “smiling” person everyone has always known….carry on…MOVING ON….

what does that even mean???????????

DO U EVER?????

Do u forget the first time you met the person you fall in love with????do you ever forget the first kiss or the first date?????I really really doubt that…

and What when you dont????

what when you sit all alone in your room…all by yourself and look at a picture that reminds of the time when you were happy??happy once??happy a million times in just 20 goddamn months……happy…just plain that???????i dont remember the last time i was just plain happy with my family but i remember the last time i was just plain happy with him…..and what the fuck man….i dont want to remember it…i dont want to go down that path again and think it will all get better soon when the better part of me…if it exists any longer…knows it wont….not now not ever….

What do you do when you know its gone?????????you do have something to look forward to but it so fucking freaks you out that you just dont want to even experiment any longer….

BUT THE OPTIMISTIC IN ME CARRIES ON………

First drop of rain

First thought…what the hell am i doing writing a blog…always used to think I dont want people to read what goes on inside my head…but then again I talk enough to ensure that people always do…so why not just put it down to make sure they remember it as well….right you are d-walker…….why not?

Anyway, I just had a conversation with my past…a kid from college with all those ideologies still intact…the last line of conversation reading… I will not change…not a bit…I will always be like this… As much as that cracked me up right now, I couldn’t help but think about that time when I would say the same to myself, about myself to others…School…Yes I would not drink. I would never drink…It’s unhealthy, its bad, it sucks…

Yeah right!!!!!!

College…okay no problem…drinking is all good if done socially and rarely and in controlled quantities…but no I will never smoke…I’ll never even try it…hell who wants to try it…its so disgusting…I have enough passive smoking to my name…who needs to smoke…hell not me….

Uh-hmmm….

Office…shit nahi yaar…i’m not gonna smoke as I drink…it hits a lot…

And that stuck…something always does…

So that’s what I told this kid…good to have I will and I won’t lists as long as you make sure that there are those one or two things that you just won’t change…simply won’t compromise on…but then comes reality…slapping you as hard in the face as it can….knocking the wind out of you…but you breathe again just in time to realise that you’r still left with those couple of fundas, those couple of “principles”, those couple of dreams…just enough to get you going and keep you moving and not enough to make you feel bad about the way things are or have become…

I guess life after all does have its own way of teaching people…I’m still a kid…or so claim the 26-27 yr olds I know…but I jus said that to a 21 yr old…I’m glad I can see the distance I’ve covered in these last 2 yrs and hope it helps me in the coming couple of yrs…gyaan….uff